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Inland Revenue letter

 
 
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paul
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2009 11:39 am    Post subject: Inland Revenue letter Reply with quote

Apparently this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian
newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it.

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply
to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you
raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging
letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".
This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,
traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on
to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen
the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their
being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant
gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the
toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common
with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters
do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".
More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth
in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"
yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of
the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little
off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for
Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have
accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a
university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do
with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with
nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even
if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical
logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way
wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out
that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and
live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.


Yours sincerely,



H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue
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Kay
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2009 11:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL!

There really is no escape from them.

I'm amazed at the good standard of English, though. In my experience most civil servants are barely literate.

Dave wrote to the FCO in an attempt to claim something he believed he was entitled to. He got a reply saying he didn't qualify. So he asked on what grounds he didn't qualify. Answer - the rules. Question - what are the rules? Answer - we don't know, but you don't qualify anyway. Rolling Eyes (He got it eventually.)
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paul
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2009 12:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the words of Michael Korda... "The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own."
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Clever Little Alex
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hahaha... that is a brilliant letter Smile

It reminds me a lot of "The Timewaster Letters" by Robin Cooper - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Timewaster-Letters-Robin-Cooper/dp/1843171082
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Smooth
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What would make great reading, from the sounds of it, is Mr Addison's original missive.
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paul
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Clever Little Alex wrote:
Hahaha... that is a brilliant letter Smile

It reminds me a lot of "The Timewaster Letters" by Robin Cooper - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Timewaster-Letters-Robin-Cooper/dp/1843171082


Ah yes... I've got a couple of his books. I like them. Cool
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